digesting....

Soooo,

I had a chance to digest my ENDO visit from earlier this week. 

First, this person hasn't previously treated me.  clue? He mentioned there is no reason I should be getting hot flashes.  Truth?  I was diagnosed two years ago as peri menopausal due to decresed estrogen. Hot flashes is my main symptom.

Second: He was overly focused on symptoms that I don't have.  No two cases of AGA hair loss are the same.  Clearly not all women who lose their hair via AGA have an overgrowth of hair on their arms, face, lips and legs.  Some, but not all. 

Third: My biopsy, which he refuted, took a sample from the thinning part of my crown and determined that my follicles where miniaturized due to conversion of testosterone to DHT.  Of course you can't look at me and tell that my testosterone is converting to DHT! ..roll eyes!

Fourth:: Being attractive doesn't make AGA ok.  He said twice how beautiful he thought I was. So.  That doesn't change the fact that something real is happening to me.  I get so angry when what I feel is marginalized. 

Fifth: Can we just wait for the test results before you tell me I'm just old and crazy?

I'll update once I have my follow up with him.....

Medical anomaly

I went to the endocrinologist today.  Three years after my diagnosis of AGA I got  a referral to get my blood checked by the thyroid doctor.

The visit went fine except the doctor used my time to tell me that I don't have AGA! yeah. He said that AGA hair loss usually results in excess hair growth other places on the body. I have no Unusual facial hair, no sideburns, no arm, underarm or leg hair to speak of. He said my skin is completely smooth all over which indicates to him a source other than AGA.  He said if AGA was causing my hair loss due to testosterone conversion to dht..... I would have hair minimally on my face.  Yeah.

I mentioned that I'd had a biopsy of my scalp to confirm miniaturization  of my follicles. He said that science doesn't lie unless I'm a medical anomaly. Yeah.

So wtf!!?? What now? If isnt AGA then what-the-hell is-it!!!  My results come back in 10 days to confirm or disprove what he suspects...... Simple old age:. Nothing more. Wow.

I'm floored.

Pictures dont lie

I've mentioned before that I video diary.  I also photo diary as well.  After ending my relaxer stretch at 11 weeks, which is such a wonderful accomplishment for me, I quickly realized what my thick roots were hiding. Accelerated thinning.

On one hand I look and I see the thinning as "maybe my hair grew and the lenght is weighting my hair down?"  I know better of course, but that 's the little me attempt at optimism

Photos don't lie.  I take tons and tons of pictures of my hair and head.  I have noted that  in addition to the balding occurring all over, I have increased thinning in the rear and receding at the hair line.   The front of my hair is long and wispy and very thin.  My center part is getting wider and wider.  Its as if I am not taking a 14 pill cocktail of various hair loss supplements every day, without fail.

Honestly, its out of my hands. I thought at one point, it was within my power to slow my hair loss, but  I acknowledge now, that it isn't. 

There isn't anything more I can do.  These days tick slowly by and my spirit is beyond damaged but I will keep up my appearance. I will keep taking really good care of my hair until its all gone.

later~

Ambushed

AGA is a nasty condition to have for any person, man or woman. But a woman, especially one whose has enjoyed a decent amount of happiness associated with it....to lose hair....theres so much more than the hairl loss when it goes.

The randomness, the silence, the inevitability of the hair loss has been crippling for me. My ego, my self awareness and my esteem have been badly damaged as  I struggle with my emotions, often becoming so disgusted with my head that I am moved to tears.

Last night I was out with friends... sitting in a lounge, enjoying the music,  I was happy and having a good time.  I wasn't the least bit of disappointed  or concerned with the appearance of my hair.  I happened to touch my hair to shift it from my neck and it that moment, all of my angst came flooding into my good spirit...I felt a new, completely bald spot on my head.  This occurrence has happened quite frequently but  I will never get use to the feeling, or the surprise. I sat there touching it, feeling so surpised to find it there, wondering if anyone could see it. I have about 6 areas of serious difuse and nearly smooth areas, its getting pretty hard to hide them all.

So I was ambushed again....brought back to the awareness of my situation.  Right there, I was done. I immediately wanted to leave and head home.  In these moments there is no comfort for me.  Nothing can be said.  I just try to keep moving....but not before I cry it out a bit.

I will try to end on a positive note...I had a happy moment yesterday when I saw this photo of my hair.  No smooth spots visible.

~ later

Never give up!

My mother finally let me get my hands on her hair this weekend!!1

My mom has AGA and she has given up.  She wears her hair in a wild and crazy wash n's go and doesn't dye.  ( yes @the visual).

The weekend I offered to "do my thing" to her hair...and she let me.

I prepooed, steamed, chelated,  acidified, dyed! and then deep condition it again!  After a trim and a nice roller set..... the look on her face was worth every second of the four hours that all of that took.  She said, " I look like I use to look'!! " "My hair is so soft and bouncy!"  She changed her clothes and put on makeup so I could take her picture.  PRICELESS.

There is a lesson here for me.  I've always said it....NEVER GIVE UP!  I will make sure that every day, these thinning strands get my love and focused care.  I will never stop trying to reverse my hair loss.  I will never stop trying to make my hair look and feel its very best.  The cost of ambivalence is much too high.

My Mom does care how she looks!  (.... just as I thought) She just accepted that there was nothing she could do about her AGA and gave up.  I won't let her.  I love her too much.  She has now agreed to allow me to do her hair every time she comes to see me ( ...err her grand kids) and I will happily oblige.

My heart grew bigger and my spirit got stronger!

"ok yes, it's thinning but"

My mommy is here! There's isn't another person on this planet that I love and cherish more than my mom, my grandma is a close second. I've been anxiously awaiting her arrival in part because there isn't another person on this planet( besides me) that I trust with my hair.

 I got my long awaited trim today. My mom does not hold back.... "yes it's thinning but its a sign of the times...at least for you anyway, we lose our hair" as she trimmed away the wild and crazy ends of my hair, she told me my grandmother is very upset about her hair. Apparently not at all at peace with her hair loss. My lineage that contains non- chalance abut hair skipped my mom and flowed directly from my grandmother to me. My grandmother is in advanced staged of AGA. She's completely bald except for our trademark curly section in the lower rear of her head. She wears a topper and apparently complains quite a bit about the loss of her hair.

 My mom has much less tolerance for the hair loss woes of my Grand who is 85+ than she does for me who is 42. She actually made me laugh as she gave me her opinion of my hair. She pointed out that non thinning folk pay a lot of money to have hair like mine. She said that my hair was beautiful and thriving, at least the parts that aren't bald yet, so I should just keep my focus on the better parts as there is nothing I can do about the rest.

 I didn't cry, even though she would have allowed me to. I knew I had new thin spots and I  didnt expect her not to see them and tell me they're there. Honestly I didn't want to cry. I don't have to be brave with her. I can be my self. Maybe the lack off tears welling up in my eyes was a sign that I already knew, maybe, just maybe she is right? I am so many more things than balding.

Maybe I'm closer to accepting this AGA than ever before. I sure hope so.  I'm exhausted.

I love her!

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